Learning to surrender is HARD!
I’m currently working with my first ever vocal coach on a song that goes:
Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone who’s always in control
Every time I sing this line, I feel it in my heart. It hits me–unlocking a truth I’ve been working on.
All the time I’ve spent trying to control every aspect of my life. Trying to check off a list of what is expected by society or family. The control that comes from years of conditioning.
At that moment in the song, I realized I’m singing that truth and it genuinely makes me uncomfortable.
This idea in my head that I must fit the role of someone who is composed, helpful, reserved. Someone that is structured and consumed with perfectionism.
It’s the appearance of having control, when in reality I’ve allowed myself to be controlled. I change who I am to play a role of what I think I need to be for others.
I’m over it honestly! I’m trying my hardest to let go of the control and overthinking I’ve trained my mind to do. It’s time to stop obsessing over everything and trying to map it all out.
Control is what I need to move the furthest away from!
And the opposite of controlling is surrendering.
So that’s what I’m going to do!
Life is about the unknowing, the unexpected. I want to experience life as one big surprise of “I wonder what will come next!” and “I can’t wait to see how this all unfolds!” With the precious time I have, that’s how I want to live.
Each day, I’m going to spread my arms, reach to the sky, and surrender.
Control comes from a place of fear and lack, and surrender comes from a place of trust and freedom. Trusting in myself and the freedom to express myself fully–this is how I define surrendering for me.
I am committed to living this way moving forward and, when the thoughts of control creep in, I will take a deep breath and blow them away.
Any moment I feel it approaching, I will remind myself that obsessing about control does nothing but control me.
DEEP SURRENDER
Years ago, I wrote a song capturing a moment I had alone while on a hike with friends.
I was processing difficult emotions of grief at the time, so I wanted some time to myself. I took a moment to sit alone under a beautiful tree by the stream–I listened to the water and I listened to my intuition. It spoke to me loudly.
A powerful sensation overcame me. I felt connected to myself, to the nature around me, and to the unknown of life. I remember looking up, spreading my arms, and thinking to myself and to the nature around me, “It’s out of my control. Things will happen that I can’t control and I accept that truth...
…some things will be meant for me in this lifetime and some will not be. I accept what comes.”
In this moment of acceptance, I felt tears come to my eyes and my body relaxed deeply. I felt peace, I felt light, I felt a weight come off my shoulders.
I think it was one of the first times I felt true surrender. That moment was one of my first big realizations of how wonderful it feels to surrender.
How wonderful it feels to let go of control and surrender to all that life has in store.
I’m continuously reminding myself of this and working on this belief system more strongly than ever. I still sing my song to myself as a reminder. The song goes:
If I could accept every wound that was carved on me
If I could embrace every break that was ever made to me
I’d be like the trees
If I could grow whichever way the wind blows
If I could make the best of where I was planted
I’d be grounded like the trees
I would let myself be free
I would grow and bend with what life gave me
I would be strong
I would be strong like the trees
I’ve come so far in my journey of releasing control. I have made HUGE progress from where I used to be, but there is still more to release.
The tension that has been built up from controlling over the years is heavy and holding me down. I need to move into the next phase of life with the goal of releasing and acceptance.
I’m surrendering and letting life happen.
What is meant for me, will come to me. And the more I do things that light me up, that fill my soul, the more those things will come to me. I believe that with all my heart!
I hope you find peace in this and it helps you on your journey of surrendering!
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