This week I was confronted with how restricted and closed off my heart has been.
For a few months now, I’ve become aware of a heaviness in my chest. My heart feels weighed down, like a pressure is sitting on it.
I’ve been calling in playfulness–craving a light, rejuvenating energy. I want my heart to feel delicate and soft, open to opportunities, open to and okay with not knowing everything.
My friend Anastasia offered a reiki session, and since I was eager release this heavy-heart energy (as well as try reiki for my first time), I agreed to do it.
Reiki is a practice using a form of energy healing techniques. The concept is that energy is stored throughout your body and can be moved, and (with the right guidance) this energy can be released, healed, and restored.
I was open to this, but for some reason still felt nervous–I was afraid to fully release. Even with one of my closest friends, why was I still feeling so hesitant and guarded?
I set my intention with her, to invite playfulness into my life and release the weight. This way I can allow more creativity and creation to flow through me.
She was calm and patient, helping me ease into my experience and instructed me to listen to whatever comes to mind or embrace anything I imagine.
I laid down, eyes closed, with my hands on my stomach and paid close attention to the sensations in my body–not quite sure what to expect.
To kick it off, she guided me through a mediation inviting a warm, golden light to flow through my body. With my eyes closed, I envisioned my body as a long, dark tunnel. It went on infinitely and this vibrant light completely lit it up and flowed endlessly through me.
It felt like it went on forever and as if my legs were expansive, stretching longer and longer to let this light continue through me.
Everything felt infinite, like I could grow and glow for eternity.
From this point, she guided me to become grounded–imagining roots reaching from my feet into the ground. I felt stronger.
The next hour was uncomfortable, in a leaving my comfort zone kind of way. As she delicately laid her hands around my chest, shoulders, and jaw, I could feel myself fighting back. Even though I wanted to be as open as possible, my mind wanted this, my body was fighting and I struggled to put my guard down. But she didn’t give up on me.
When she touched my chest for the first time, between my collar bones, it felt like ice had been placed on my chest. I was tempted to open my eyes and see if she had up an ice pack on me–it felt completely like that.
Immediately after, she touched my neck and her hands were warm. I couldn’t explain the sensation of feeling ice on me. Was I that closed that my chest felt like hard, impenetrable ice?
It shocked me and having this realization, I persisted telling myself I needed to release and open up.
Anastasia worked on my neck (I shared with her before the session it was an area of concern as well). I had been feeling tightness here, as if I was constantly constricting it.
She gently touched along my throat and when she tapped right behind my left ear, I let out a large gasp and felt my stomach expand. It felt completely involuntary and unexpected. What had just happened!
Then she touched around my right ear and it felt as though it opened, as if it could hear more clearly. What came to mind for me was this idea that I listen closely, but how I interpret the information coming in might be negative or distorted.
I took that as a message to be conscious about how I intercept what is said to me. To not be immediately defensive or guarded, but to listen to it as it clearly is.
My shoulders released back, allowing me to realize how much I was holding them up. She began to move her arms around my left shoulder and arm, and what instantly came to mind was CONTROL.
Let it go. Let go of the control. Everything I had been holding around control seemed to be stored here. As she moved her hands from my shoulder out through my hand, I felt it flow. I felt myself let go of more and more control. My shoulder relaxed.
She moved to the other arm and I felt a tingling sensation in my shoulder. An area I can occasionally feel discomfort in from years of overuse and not the best care.
With the same movements, she worked the area. Thinking through the wear and tear (the damage from the past), what came to mind for this side was THE PAST and RESPONSIBILITY.
My mind replayed moments from the past, things outside of my control–losing my sister, relationships with friends and family, moments of sadness and anger. I let these past memories flow and the tension around them released.
I told myself, “The past is not now. Release these emotions towards the past. Release the responsibilities of the past. They made you who you are. They made you strong, but they are not serving you now.”
I felt it flow out of my hand. Anastasia held my hand and I could feel this release of energy. My right shoulder relaxed.
A message came to me, “Suffering and pain are a part of life, but don’t let it stop you from finding joy. Look for the joy in life.”
She put my hands down, off of my stomach where I had originally put them. I realized that was part of my protection and being closed off–covering my stomach, my place of security.
With my arms down and my shoulder relaxed, she sang a melody. A beautiful, loving melody.
My body surrendered and opened. All I could think at this moment is that I am LOVED. I am SAFE.
She placed her hands back on the original place she had first touched–my frozen, closed off chest. To my surprise, this time it was warm and, as she kept her hands there, I felt it deepen.
It was the same sensation I had felt with my legs, this ever expanding, infinite deepening. It felt as though my chest was expanding down into the ground, growing and grounded yet incredibly light.
I imagined a layer of thick ice on my chest and suddenly the ice cracked, melting away, revealing a hole in the center of my chest. It was a deep hole and I felt a release.
My heart opened.
Anastasia let out a soft humming and gentle whistling. The tune flew into me. It felt as though it was moving inside of me, beautiful birds flowing through, clearing out the energy and guiding loving energy in.
While completely relaxed and motionless, my mind was thinking, “What is happening!” I was shocked with the sensations I was feeling.
To close the session Anastasia put her hands on my head and I imagined a bright light shining in. It was like a spotlight, highlighting the dark spaces in my mind that I’ve been holding onto. They wouldn’t leave quite yet, but the light highlighted where I needed to do some work.
It reminded me I have to continue working on my mind, including the areas where I'm blocked and holding onto ideas, beliefs, and thoughts that are not serving me.
The final thing Anastasia did was place her hands under my feet, flexing them. I felt strong, as if I was suddenly standing and growing taller and taller. How could I feel like I was standing straight up while lying down?
We closed out the session and I opened my eyes, feeling completely relaxed, as if I’d just woken up refreshed. I moved my arms and felt sore, like I’d just done a workout. I couldn’t understand how my muscles could feel so exhausted after resting, and with the softest touches. Anastasia only placed her palms and fingers on the area, but applied little to no pressure. I was stunned.
She explained moving energy and releasing it can feel like a workout for the body and mind.
Anastasia and I shared what came up for each other during the session. No words were exchanged throughout the whole session, other than the gentle humming and melody from Anastasia. So when we shared our visualizations, I was further amazed.
When I imagined ice cracking and melting away, what Anastasia had seen was something like armor. But rather than shiny metal, it was mud. As if my chest had been caked in layers of mud, dried and hardened over years of protecting and defending myself.
She visualized it cracking and falling off, revealing a hole where dozens of butterflies flew out from and circled above me. They had come from deep inside and flew out, releasing the trapped energy. She then saw large monarch butterfly wings resting on my chest, flapping.
A different visual, but the same sensation, the same release through this opening hole in my chest. All I could think was this is incredibly beautiful.
Then when she pressed on the bottom of my feet and I envisioned myself standing, what she had seen was me growing into a large tree, branches reaching out and all around me were butterflies and fairies flying around me.
She said this made her think of the book I'm writing, which brought me a lot of joy to visualize. I envisioned being the grand tree and all my fairy characters flying around me, supporting me to continue my writing journey.
When we talked about releasing the energy from my right PAST/RESPONSIBILITY arm, she said she felt my sister Claire's presence. She visualized Claire hugging me in a warm, long, and comforting embrace.
The message received was to move forward, to let go and know that I am loved and supported. Holding onto the past is not helping me and is holding me back; it's time to move forward.
We talked about everything in detail, realizing that all the moments I had experienced, Anastasia was feeling the same messages coming through.
Release control, release responsibility, release family fears to open your heart.
Do what brings you joy and makes your light shine.
I am still amazed by this experience and have felt my heart opening more and more. Reiki helped me bring attention to it and open the door, but I have much more work to do.
Opening my heart will be a constant practice and habit I need to be intentional about.
I want to feel light, I want to be honest and open, and unafraid to express. Little my little, the door to my heart will open more and more, and stay open.
I am so grateful for this experience and extremely thankful to Anastasia for sharing her gift and healing energy with me.
What a blessing it is to be supported and loved by Anastasia. Thank you for helping me open my heart!
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